Can you translate this old text from "our country's good" please!!?

Sorry, I don't do homework. It is a funny speech with it's quaint language and slang. You have to use a bit of logic and thought to figure it out. Work on it, Read the whole thing to figure out what the story is she is telling then figure out the events and what the words mean. Lots of ual reference, kind of like Shakespeare, if you can take it dirty, it is meant to be dirty. Have fun.